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It would seem a trend of my posting once a month has developed in recent months. I have no true excuse for my lack of riveting content lately. Life has been busy, things have been happening, but mostly it has been the usual humdrum routine that isn’t exactly all that exciting. I think you’d rather not be bored to tears with talk about the day job, my lack of writing time, or the changes in the weather here in East Texas. So, I’ve held off in my posts for a while.
Quotation-Suzanne-Collins-yourself-Meetville-Quotes-47970In the time that I would have been composing posts for your reading pleasure, I’ve spent time doing a lot of personal journaling and soul searching. It is, perhaps, no surprise that writing is how I sort through pretty much everything in my life. It is how I dream, how I sort out my budget, how I plan my days, and how I come to some big decisions. Lately it has been more about realizing a few things. At the risk of getting too personal, I feel compelled to share a few of those things with my audience here. Who knows, maybe someone out there needs to read this to know they aren’t the only ones going through it.
In December I edge another year closer to 40. I suppose it is fitting that I am thinking about life and what it has become for me. The reality is that I had a pretty good idea of how I wanted my life to turn out when I was a teenager and in college. I figured that by now, I would be living my own version of an American Dream. A house, a husband, a kid or two, and a dog. I figured it might be somewhere in Florida at the time. I never dreamed that I would somehow come to land in Texas. But, here I am. I also thought I would have a couple of books published and maybe be working on some sort of after school program inspiring kids to do the same. Yes, I’ve published but, little else of that dream has come to pass. Or rather, it started to and fell apart.
4135I have only myself to blame for the way things turned out. I made poor choices for a long time trying to build that dream life. Poor choice of a partner on that adventure. Poor choices in allowing for the abuse that I endured. I had such high hopes. Now, it is hard for me to build them up. It was all such a huge let down. In a way, I’m still devastated. Not because I lost the husband, mind you. That was one of the best decisions that I have been able to make for myself. But I lost the dream in the process.
At 37 I feel like I’ve missed my window for that life. There comes a time when you have to face facts. The fact is, I’m not going to be a mother. I just don’t think it is in God’s plan for me anymore. I think I missed the window where that was possible. Now, I’m not saying that biologically I’m unable to have kids. I know it is never an impossible thing. I just no longer feel like it is something I should aspire to be. I don’t want to get my hopes up and let them be crushed anymore. Now, I have to find a way to let that dream die and grieve for the life I wanted and can’t have.
My real problem isn’t the realization that I can’t have that life. It is that I don’t know how to grieve for it. I’ve been in denial for years. I kept telling myself it was possible and that all it was going to take is finding the right person. I’ve done my share of bargaining with God to help me make it possible. But at every turn, I’ve been shown more proof in all the little things, that I shouldn’t be a mother. I’ve had influence in many kids lives but I will never be Mom. I had a hard time accepting that before but, I do now.
I’ve always been the sort to just pull myself together and keep going. Move on to the next thing, interest, or person. That isn’t working this time though. I’m not sure why. It just isn’t. I’m sad and lack the usual empathy I have for other’s. I’m not all that depressed about it. At least, not yet. I may be getting there with that. The truth is, I don’t know what a life without family looks like for me. And in a way, this is me having to face one of my worst fears.
Pulling myself together isn’t easy at all. The vast majority of my friends have families. Even if they aren’t the traditional nuclear family, they have kids and are busy with school functions, drama, and raising kids. I don’t gravitate towards the usual singles scenes. I’m not going to be hanging out with a bunch of twenty-somethings trying to find myself. I think I’m well past that stage of life. But, I do need to figure out what life is going to look like for me now.
Am I going to be the crazy pet owner who throws her dog a birthday party? I am likely going to turn into the weird Aunt who brings a friend to family functions. The bottom line is that I really don’t know what comes next for me. For once, I’m just sort of flying by the seat of my pants and praying for the best. This time of year is going to be especially difficult but, hopefully, not nearly as hard as it was for me last year.
I may post more about this at another time but for now, I’ll leave it as simply a “this is what I am going through at the moment” post.