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In this post, I’m going to tell it like it is from my own, very personal, experience.

There are several reasons that I just don’t date anymore. The primary reason for this is that I just simply don’t fit in anywhere. Add to that the fact that I am tired of trying to fit a mold of what people around me think that I should be.

For most of my adult life, I have lived in a perpetual state of trying to please everyone around me. It came at a pretty high price to me. I spent years of my life in a relationship that I didn’t even see was abusive toward me. I wanted a certain type of life and while, I never actually got that life, I tried hard to make what I did have something resembling that ideal. After my marriage fell apart, I jumped right up and got “back in the game”. I got engaged and after nearly a year together, I was at a breaking point again finding myself right back where I had just come from emotionally, mentally, and physically. It wasn’t a good feeling for me. At one point I broke down and called everything off and tried to regroup. In fact, I’ve been regrouping ever since.

10330293_685105858233041_4273614114790607498_nI suppose it took those two relationships to make me realize that I needed to focus on myself for a while. I needed to really sit back and decide what was important to me in life. My health, my faith, and my writing were all at the top of the very long list. But, I came out of school with so many big dreams and a mind that drank in knowledge. I realized that somewhere along the way, I’d dropped the pursuit of those things and settled. That choice to settle, whether conscious or not, was a huge mistake. In the long run, it made me extremely unhappy. So, there is no more settling for this chick.

Now this is not to say that I am opposed to meeting the love of my life and enjoying all that goes along with that. I’m not. I’m open should that person come along. But, I no longer see the point of stopping my own pursuits in favor of finding that. Certainly me bettering myself, in whatever form, should be something that a significant other would support. So, why should I settle? Why should I drop everything and fawn all over some guy just because they want to pay some attention to me?

I shouldn’t and I won’t. It really is that simple. But, I also know that my relationship status isn’t going to change anytime soon.

A cold hard fact of the matter is that I’m a plus-sized girl. I’ll likely always be a plus-sized girl. No matter how much I work at it, I’m always going to have curves and flabby arms and for me, it is always going to be a struggle with food. I’m not perfect. No one is. What I can say is that, for what it is worth, I am working on being healthier. Not prettier, thinner, or more attractive… HEALTHIER. That doesn’t just mean with food and weight either. That means mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. Admitting to and facing the fact that I have an eating disorder is one step in the direction of a healthier me. Dealing with that means that I have a long road ahead of me. Anyone that I would add to my life at this point would have to be supportive of that effort and willing to accept that my lifestyle changes are something that has to be accommodated.

Like anyone else, I want to have a social life. Being bigger doesn’t mean that you don’t want to live your life. And I don’t think we should have to. That being said, it has been hard for me to meet people. Dating sites don’t work for me. (That’s how I ended up in the last two relationships.) I’m not looking to jump into a relationship with someone based on a picture and a paragraph. I want to meet friends. Girls or guys; I’m not picky in that department. I’ve tried personals ads for strictly platonic meetings but apparently I missed the memo. You know, the one that says : placing any type of personal ad is a direct admission of desperation and you’re fair game to proposition for hookups for cash.

Oh and I love the ones where, they’ll email for a while. Emails that consist of about 4 lines each (when I’ve written paragraphs trying to engage them in conversation) and then they ask for a picture. You send the picture and all of a sudden the line of communication is severed. So yes, you know how shallow those people are based on their actions.

Now, I’m not saying all people are shallow. But, my experience in life tells me that there are far more people who are shallow (like that) than there are people who will genuinely try to get to know you. I’ve dealt with several of these in the last month or so. And to them, all I can really say is that they’ve missed out on a great opportunity to meet someone intelligent, confident, fun, laid back, and eager to enjoy life. What you see in my picture is someone who has already battled to lose 100 pounds. Someone who is at the gym regardless of how all the thin people stare at her in disgust. What you don’t see is all the years of superficial BS that I’ve put up with so that now, your not wanting to get to know me because I was honest enough to send you a picture of the real me… well, it makes me laugh as much as it hurts.

I wish we lived in a kinder world. youre-braver-than-you-believe-and-stronger-than-you-seem-book-quote

I wish it were easier to meet people of some sort of substance. It would be nice to have some friends who have eclectic interests. Perhaps a shift in perspective is what I need right now. It was brought to my attention that I am going about this the wrong way. I’m looking in the wrong places. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are right. The introvert in me hates to get out alone. I always feel awkward when I’m out having coffee or something alone. But, I’m going to have to suck it up, go to events in the area that have to do with my interests, and just start saying hello to people. I’m going to have to remind myself to not be a wall flower but, I think that it will be worth my while to give it a try.

The bottom line is this: Yes, I am a big woman. However, this does not mean that I don’t have standards. I refuse to compromise them on the basis that some male of the species finds himself desperate for a date and decides to prey on someone he thinks is equally as desperate as he is.

I’ll get off my soapbox now.